


It Was Real

by madamehomesecretary



Category: Bodyguard (TV 2018)
Genre: But also with a lot of feelings, But what happened to the recording?, David tries to cope, F/M, Fluff, Soft af
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-23
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2020-01-24 10:43:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18569797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madamehomesecretary/pseuds/madamehomesecretary
Summary: “Did… Did you listen to the recording, ma’am?” He steeled himself for the answer, not sure he wanted to hear her response. But he had to know. Craddock was behind the desk now, and she looked up in surprise. “Bits and pieces, David… enough to know it was real.”Her use of the word ‘real’ threw David for a moment, unsure if she meant the recording wasn’t altered or if she was referring to their affair being real… It all felt very, very real to him. The small moments and confessions whispered to one another in the dark, those felt real. The minutes and hours they shared with no one but each other, those felt real.





	1. Is It True?

David Budd stood outside of Lorraine Craddock’s office, unsure why he was here. An ‘urgent request’ for him to see her brought him to her office late that night. He knew he should have been going to the safe house to see his kids. Instead, he found himself knocking on the door, waiting for her to admit him.

Already on edge from watching Rob MacDonald confess his role in trying to upset Julia’s leadership bid for PM, it had been a long day. _Fucking Rob._ _He had never liked him._ David felt tired. And he felt angry. But here he was. Above all else, Craddock _was_ still his boss. 

Entering the room as she opened the door, the two exchanged formalities as he took a seat in the chair across from her desk. He scanned the room, half-surprised not to see Anne Sampson. She and Craddock had made quite the team in their blackmail scheme. As he took it all in, he had the realization that this was the same room where he had been assigned to protect the Home Secretary all those months ago.  _ Julia.  _ He had thought of it as a step down then, his new assignment. But Craddock had assured him this was a move up and he had shrugged it off. He would give anything to go back to that day now and do it all over again. 

Craddock took a seat on the edge of her desk, surprising David by the informality of the gesture. His boss seemed unsure, a character trait he wasn’t used to seeing in her. Clasping her hands together she began slowly, choosing her words carefully.

“I’ve received an extremely serious allegation regarding unprofessional intimacy between you and the late Home Secretary, David.” She peered into his eyes, hoping against all odds there was something she was missing here. She had heard parts of the recording herself, had the evidence sitting on a jump drive in her desk drawer, and yet she wasn’t surprised when his face didn’t give anything away. David Budd was a better soldier than that.

“Who’s making this allegation?” David asked after a moment of realization. 

His throat felt dry as his brain began to process this information. Someone had to have seen something. He went through a checklist in his mind. Tom? Kim? He couldn’t imagine either of them going to Craddock with their suspicions. They were his friends… weren’t they? 

“I’m not at liberty to say,” Craddock said slowly, and her response confirmed David’s suspicions. No, this went higher than the Home Secretary’s protection team. This had to be someone bigger. David realized he had been too quiet. He had to deny it. He wouldn’t allow Julia’s reputation to be dragged through the mud like this. She deserved more than the gossip of a sex scandal with her married PPO.  

“They’re alleging something went on in private? I can’t see how there’s any evidence… in which case you can’t give any credence to this --” 

Deny. Deny. Deny. Craddock cut him off with three words.

“There’s a recording.”

David paled, the words echoing in his head. His boss was staring at him and he swallowed hard. He and Julia had never even had the chance to address what they were going to do about … this.  _ About them.  _

He briefly flashed back to St. Matthew’s College and the conversation they had never gotten to finish. Julia had made it seem like she wanted to be with him. That she wanted more than secret meetings and the clandestine sex behind closed doors. 

_ “I want you right beside me. Not because it’s your job, but because it’s our choice.” _

It was conversation he had been nervous about continuing. He remembered playing her words over and over again as he led her to the auditorium. He couldn’t meet her gaze. What if she changed her mind? What if she realized that wasn’t what she truly wanted, and dismissed him instead? And then the bombing happened and everything went to hell. And now Julia was dead. He hadn’t been able to protect her from the explosion, but he would protect her and her legacy now.  _ If someone had told him six months ago, he would be even remotely concerned with the reputation of a Tory politician... _

“This is coming from the security service?” His words were even, and Craddock looked away, avoiding David’s eyes. All the dots were beginning to connect, the puzzle pieces coming together. David sighed. There was no use trying to deny it if someone had recorded them. Now it was time for damage control. 

“Longcross must have bugged her room. Is this recording even legal?” Craddock’s steely gaze returned to his. Her voice was sharp when she spoke again.

“David, is it  _ true _ ?”

She leaned forward on the desk and he hesitated, not missing the irony in the situation. He and Julia had joked that he could lose his job. That having sex with the Home Secretary was a ‘heinous crime.’ It was the punchline of a joke they had both laughed at. And now here he was, wondering if light morning chat under a fort of white sheets was about to become his reality.  _ Maybe I should lose my job, _ he reasoned. It seemed only fair if Julia had lost her life because of him. But still, he had his family to think of. And the whispers of those on the street when the headlines came, calling Julia every name in the book. No, he couldn’t let that happen.

“Ma’am, you know you have to caution me if there’s any possibility my answer might incriminate me,” David finally said. “I’m entitled to a consultation with --”

Craddock interrupted him, her ire obvious. 

“Don’t quote the regs at me, David. You weren’t just fucking the Home Secretary, you’re fucking our whole reputation.”

David wanted to tell her it was more than that. That he wasn’t just fucking the home secretary. But the point seemed moot now. He never got to tell Julia how he felt about her. How could he tell anyone else?

“They’re trying to discredit me, ma’am,” he said. That much seemed obvious to him. “I’m on to them... The Security Service, Longcross, all of them.”

“All of who?” Craddock asked, her eyes narrowing. Her heart pounded a little faster in her chest, wondering how close David was getting to the truth. 

“There’s been leaks right the way through this investigation, ma’am. The Home Secretary’s itinerary, my kids’ school, the bomb planted at St. Matthew’s…”

It was Lorraine’s turn to grow quiet and David watched her for a moment. 

“The Security Service could have done it all,” he added when she said nothing. Her eyes met his, and she frowned. 

“David, you’ve been through a lot.” She paused and David started to protest. One look at her stopped his interruption. “Take time off. Stop ruffling feathers... Then maybe, just maybe, I can make this go away.”

David wished it was that simple. Wished she could just delete the recording and this nightmare would be over. But it would never be over. Not until he found out who had killed Julia. And that was only if he didn’t get himself killed first.

“They want me to go away,” he countered, getting to his feet and leaning in toward Craddock. She said nothing, and he turned to leave, hesitating at the door. With his fingers on the cold metal handle, he turned back to look at his boss. 

“Did… Did you listen to the recording, ma’am?” He steeled himself for the answer, not sure he wanted to hear her response. But he had to know. 

Craddock was behind the desk now, and she looked up in surprise. “Bits and pieces, David… enough to know it was  _ real. _ ” 

Her use of the word ‘real’ threw David for a moment, unsure if she meant the recording wasn’t altered or if she was referring to their affair being real… It all felt very, very  _ real _ to him. The small moments and confessions whispered to one another in the dark, those felt  _ real _ . The minutes and hours they shared with no one but each other, those felt  _ real _ . 

David closed his eyes, remembering Julia. 

“I… I wouldn’t ask if I had another choice, ma’am…” he hesitated, knowing this was a bad idea. But then the words tumbled out before he could stop them. “The recording… can I have it?” His voice was soft and Craddock wasn’t sure if she had really heard him. 

“David, I --” she began and David let out a deep sigh.

“Please ma’am. It’s all I have left of her,” he was facing away from her and Lorraine struggled for a moment, caught between two choices. The energy in the room was charged, as both of them battled with the inner demons no one else could see. Finally, the sense of guilt niggling at her stomach made the decision for her. 

Opening the top drawer of her desk, she reached inside, coming to find the jump drive. Picking it up, she examined the hard plastic of the device in her fingers. She took a deep breath and looked around, almost as if she expected it to be some sort of trick. 

When nothing happened for a moment, she walked across the room to where David stood, releasing the drive into his outstretched hand. She closed his fingers over it, her hand resting on his for a moment longer than necessary. 

“I’ll make it go away,” she said softly, her words a repetition from only a few moments earlier. David Budd had been a good employee. He had always worked hard and done everything she asked of him without complaint. She owed him this much. The cover-up would cost her her job. But the sense of guilt from the whole situation was beginning to overwhelm her. She had never meant for Julia Montague to die… But she  _ had _ hired David on as her fall guy. And now, she had to repay him. 

David’s blue eyes met hers and he softened as he put the drive in his pocket. 

“Thank you, ma’am.” The words were simple. But both of them realized they signified something bigger. A means to an end. And with that, David turned, exiting the office. He felt everyone’s eyes on him and he let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding as he headed to the lobby and home to his flat. 


	2. Under Lock and Key

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It was just a dream, love. You’re alright. You’re safe.”

David sat in front of his laptop, his jaw clenched tightly as he stared at the desktop. His background was a picture of Julia he had taken while he watched her get ready one morning, unbeknownst to her. She had a conference to attend and had tried to sneak out of bed without him noticing.

_As soon as the weight of the mattress shifted, David had woken up and watched her through half-open eyes. Julia Montague was a beautiful woman. When most looked at her, all they saw was her power, and they were intimidated by it. But as David watched her style her hair and apply a bit of foundation and mascara, he couldn’t help but stare unabashedly. This was the Julia that only he got to see._

_Reaching quietly for his phone on the bedside table, he opened his camera app and snapped a quick picture just as her eyes met his own in the mirror._

_“David!” She had scolded, laughing as his cheeks flushed a shade of pink at having been caught. He grinned sheepishly._

_“Good morning,_ ma’am _,” he said cheekily and she smirked as she applied her favorite lipstick, knowing it was David’s favorite, too._

_“I love the way you say that,” she whispered, her tone equally as playful as she approached the bed, leaving a light kiss on his lips. It was his day off, and he watched as she stopped at the door, turning to look at him._

_“See you tonight?” The words were spoken softly, but there was a hint of promise in her voice. It had a deeper meaning that they both knew._

_“Tonight,” he repeated before she disappeared through the doorway, her heels clicking in the entryway as she exited the hotel room._

David sighed, staring at the picture. Julia had a knowing grin on her lips as her eyes stared into his own. He hadn’t known it at the time, but he had captured his own reflection in the mirror as well, as he leaned on one elbow, holding his phone in front of his bare chest, covered only by a sheet that rested over his hips.

He should have deleted the picture. The moment he found out she had died, he should have erased all reminders of her from his life. But he knew better. He also knew that as long as he lived, he would never forget Julia Montague, picture or not. The memory of her was seared into his brain. And so he kept her under lock and key … and a password protected laptop.

Feeling the tension in his jaw, David released the clench he held on the aching muscle. He had stalled long enough. His hand trembling slightly, David pulled the jump drive out of his pocket.

He truly had no idea what to expect. A number of moments flashed through his head, any of them that could easily get him fired.

Opening the folder, there was a single file and David grimaced. The file was named simply JM. No further explanation. Double-clicking the file, he closed his eyes as the sound of static filled the room. At first, he heard nothing, and he wondered if he had been played. If Craddock had been bluffing and he had fallen right into her trap.

And then the silence was broken as Julia called out David’s name in the quiet. He thought his heart might stop, hearing the sound of her voice again. It had been _weeks_ since he had heard her speak.

_“David!” She called out his name again into the nothingness._

Listening to the recording, David could read into the fear and uncertainty in her voice right away. He knew her so well.

_Her second cry was punctuated by heavy footsteps as he entered her suite from his adjoining room next door. The soft creak of bed springs could be heard as he sat on the edge of the bed next to her. He remembered holding her hand in his own._

_“Julia,” his voice was soft and reassuring. “It was just a dream, love. You’re alright. You’re safe.”_

_His words were followed_ _by the sound of movement and he remembered taking her in his arms, holding her tightly to his chest and settling back on the bed with her._

Yes, David remembered the night this happened. It was shortly after the attack at Thornton Circus and Julia’s nightmares had begun in full force. He had spent the night in her room comforting her, reassuring her that he would never let anything happen to her. It was hardly as incriminating as a sex tape, but equally just as intimate.

_Looking over at the clock on Julia’s bedside table, David ran a hand over his face tiredly. The nightmares always came about this time._

_He could feel Julia’s heart beating quickly as he held her against him tightly and her breathing was coming out in little pants as she tried to bring herself back to reality. David frowned. He hated seeing her going through this._

_“You’re alright,” he repeated the words over and over again as he placed a kiss on the crown of her head, the smell of her shampoo filling his senses._

_Julia said nothing, her eyes squeezed shut, still focusing on evening out her breathing. She hated feeling this out of control. It wasn’t a sensation she experienced often, and if she was being honest with herself, it was something she was trying to stop being so uptight about it. Her new outlook had been influenced by her brogue Scottish bodyguard, no doubt._

_Opening her eyes, Julia finally looked at him. Her eyes were warm, and he was reminded once again how lucky he was to see the real Julia Montague. The side of her that no one else ever saw._

_“When I have nightmares…” he began, sliding under the sheets next to her. “It really helps if I have a lot of great sex.” Julia scoffed and rolled her eyes, pushing at him playfully. David held up his hands in a defensive measure, protecting himself from her shoving as they both laughed._

_“Good night, David,” she said shortly, still unable to keep from giggling. He smirked, then after a moment grew serious._

_“Okay, okay, all joking aside…” he said. “When I have a nightmare and can’t seem to find my footing after I wake up, I give myself a bit of a talk down. I remind my body that everything around me isn’t shaking… it just seems that way. So I lay my palms against the bed to ground myself and feel what’s underneath me. That everything is stable. It helps me to focus on a painting or a photo of the kids… something that reminds me to be present. I’m not where that nightmare was anymore.”_

_Julia processed his words, nodding slowly. “Stable. Present.” She repeated his own words back to him and David smiled reassuringly. She felt a warm sensation in her chest as she looked at him._

_She often reminded herself how grateful she was that PS Budd had been brought into her life. But it was these intimate nights where they really got to know each other that she enjoyed the most. She found herself wanting to know everything there was to know about David Budd. As they relaxed against the headboard, David wrapped his arm around her shoulders in a protective gesture. It was almost as if they were having the same unspoken thoughts._

_"Your nightmares…” she began, looking down at her hands uncertainly. Talk of the war and David’s time overseas was a difficult subject for him and she had tried hard in the past not to press him on the issue. “When did they start?” she asked softly, her gaze turning to meet his icy blue one._

_She often found herself getting lost in those eyes. Always watching, constantly analyzing situations and analyzing her._

_“It was my first tour overseas,” he said softly, his hand coming to intertwine with hers as she fidgeted. The movement steadied her and she grew still, letting out a long but even breath. “We were on patrol outside of the camp, me and my mates… there were four of us. It was a hot day in the desert and the sun was blistering. We all took turns driving because of the heat. It messed with your head.”_

_David’s fingers began to move against hers, their hands still intertwined. The gesture was an intimate one and Julia squeezed his hand in return, encouraging him to continue._

_“I met an American named Christian a few days before. He was new to the convoy. He had a family waiting back in the States for him… It was his first patrol,” At this point, David’s voice had grown so quiet that Julia had to really struggle to hear him._

_“We had just switched off seats in the rover,” David said, and Julia didn’t miss the grimace that crossed his handsome features. “I had been driving and had to pull over. I couldn’t see straight anymore. Christian and I switched places and we headed back toward camp.”_

_He sighed heavily and Julia placed a hand reassuringly on his thigh._

_“It wasn’t five minutes later we hit an IED,” he said, his chest feeling tight. “It was on Christian’s side of the rover. He and my mate, Henry, were killed instantly in the blast. My buddy Josh and I, we were pretty beat up after that…”_

_Julia gasped at his revelation, and she frowned, leaning into him closely, her hand coming to rest over his heart._

_“That wasn’t your fault, David… You can’t blame yourself for that.”_

_David laughed sardonically and shook his head. “That’s when the nightmares started. I’ve relived that day over and over again since it happened. I’ve wondered why I switched places with him a million times. Why I got to live and he didn’t… And I can’t figure out the answer.”_

_In his confession, there was a mixture of bitterness and sadness that Julia couldn’t miss. Reaching out her hand gently, she ran her fingers over the scars and the literal battle wounds that covered his left side._

The silence continued on and David hit pause on the recording, getting to his feet and inhaling sharply. He could see Julia’s face in that moment as she had regarded him carefully, then reached out to comfort him with her touch.

It had been real, the connection he felt with Julia Montague. Going to pour himself a drink, he could almost see her standing there in front of him, her eyes boring into him somewhat disapprovingly. When he turned his head, she was gone. He was convinced that the ghost of the Home Secretary was never going to leave him be.

Taking a long swallow of the warm brown liquid, he returned to his computer, sitting down in front of it again. Pressing play, he steeled himself for what he knew would come next.

_“You survived because your kids needed you here,” Julia said softly, toeing the unspoken boundary line they had created for themselves. They didn’t talk about his wife or his kids. That put too much of a label on what this was. A label neither of them were ready to acknowledge._

_David looked up at her in surprise, and Julia shrugged. “Ella and Charlie… Vicky … Me…” the last word was the quietest, but David thought he had heard it echo in the quiet room. “You survived because we needed you here with us.”_

_David wanted to argue with her. To tell Julia that they would all be better off without the version of him that had returned from the war. But he thought better of ruining the moment. If she really meant what she had said … that told him all he needed to know. She_ needed _him._

_“I’ve never told anyone that story before, about Christian,” he offered instead and Julia smiled at him. It was a warm smile, but mixed with the tinge of sadness she felt for him._

_“I don’t know what made me tell you…”  he added and Julia touched his face gently, her fingers running over his sharp jawline._

_“David, you can tell me anything…” she insisted, and in that moment, he knew she meant it._

_When he had returned from the fighting, the nightmares had already started. He would wake Vicky at night with them, and she would ask him to tell her what had happened. But he never wanted to share that part of his life with her. To burden her with the images he had seen. He had been trying to protect her. And then one day, she had stopped asking._

_“I know I can.”_

_Julia stared at the battered and bruised man in front of her. She had never met anyone quite like David Budd before. When he was assigned to her protection team, he hated her. That much was obvious. Their politics couldn’t have been more different if they tried. But then he had come to her aid after Thornton Circus and everything had changed._

_They were the only two surviving people who knew the feeling of being trapped in that ministerial car as bullets rained down on them. He had comforted her in a time where she needed it most, and somewhere along the way he had become important to her. More important than any rules or regulation books would say was proper. But David Budd was changing the way she looked at the world. And she was grateful for the new point of view._

_By now, the sun was peeking in through the bedroom window and Julia groaned, pulling the white sheet over her head. David laughed for a minute before ducking under the self-created blanket fort next to her._

_“How long were you in the Army?” She asked as she turned on her side to face him. Her fingers began to lightly trace the scars on his side again._

_“10 years.”_

_“Is that what you always wanted to do?” Her fingers stilled against his side._

_“You’ll probably laugh… but when I was in school, I wanted to be a doctor.”_

_“I’m not laughing.”_

_Julia flashed him a genuine smile then and David’s eyes met her own, his heart thudding against his chest. Surely Julia could hear it as she laid next to him._

_“What happened?”_

David listened to the recording as he told Julia how he hadn’t known anyone who could get him into medical school, and he sighed all over again. It was a strange sensation listening to yourself have a conversation with someone. Sharing an intimate confession. You thought of all the things you could have said instead, what you could have expressed differently. And suddenly David realized what Julia had meant when she said she hated hearing herself speak.

_“You still could, you know.” Her words came after a few moments of silence and David eyed her inquisitively._

_“Could what?” He asked her, uncertainly._

_“Go to school,” she said matter-of-factly. “Be a doctor.”_

_David shook his head quickly._

_“It’s too late for all of that,” he disagreed and Julia arched a brow, looking at him in surprise._

_“It’s never too late to learn something new, Sargeant Budd,” she told him seriously. And in that moment, the realization dawned on David that she might be talking about something other than him becoming a doctor._

The recording grew quiet again and David looked at the time on the player, wondering how much more time he had left with this Julia. _His_ Julia.  

Two minutes. He listened intently, counting the seconds in his head. A metaphorical time bomb before his world went quiet again. He wondered if asking Craddock for the recording had been a mistake. Then he heard her voice again, and he knew it wasn’t.

She asked him about his scars. He was surprised she hadn’t pulled away from them like Vicky had the first time she saw them. But instead, Julia embraced him for them. Even now, that touched him. She truly had never known him any differently… his scars were a part of him.

 _“I’m one of the lucky ones.” He spoke without hesitation, never breaking eye contact with Julia. It was a forward statement to make, but one he stood by. He had broken through Julia’s armor and the tough shell underneath. He thought about what she had said. About surviving because she needed him. What she didn’t realize was_ _that he needed her just as much._

_“Because you survived?” Her words were soft and breathy as she pondered the meaning of his words._

_“Aye, that too.”_

_Catching onto the double meaning, she leaned forward, capturing his lips in her own with a chaste kiss._

_“Even if it could cost me my job,” David said with a smirk and Julia hummed in agreement._

_“Sex with the home secretary,” she paused. “It’s a heinous crime.”_

_They both chuckled and David looked up at Julia, reaching for her hand again._

_“Are you feeling better, love?” he asked after a moment and she nodded quickly. She had forgotten about the details of her nightmares a long time ago._

_“Much better with you here,” she finally said, her smile growing wider as he pulled her into him, his fingertips stroking her back lightly._

_“Good…” he murmured, placing a kiss on her forehead. “But you know, if you’re still unsure... we could always try the sex suggestion I had earlier,” he offered with a shrug._

_Julia let out a short burst of laughter, pulling back so his eyes met hers._

_“You have a one track mind, Sargeant Budd,” she said with a knowing grin, and David laughed. “Only with you, ma’am,” he murmured before leaning forward and meeting her lips with his own._

Yes, it had been real.   


**Author's Note:**

> Don't get me wrong, I hated Lorraine Craddock at the end of the series, but we actually have a lot to thank her for ... like adjoining rooms at the Blackwood Hotel. :)
> 
> This was the result of me pushing through some serious writer's block. I was pretty happy with how it turned out and I think it helped clear the fog. 
> 
> As always, thank you for all the love and kind words! They keep me going.


End file.
